INDIANA—As parents, we can never be perfect. We are imperfect people doing our best to grow and shape the minds of our little ones. It is expected that there will be times when we mess up, whether that looks like shouting, slamming a door, or even saying something hurtful to our child. We know these mistakes will happen, so how do we repair the damage after we have hurt our child?
The first step to rebuilding trust is honesty. Many adults struggle with being honest with their children because it feels so hard to be vulnerable with them. We have been taught that we have to be strong and not show our emotions to our children, but that is simply not true. Our children benefit from seeing our real emotions and how we respond and cope with those emotions. Being honest with your child not only models how to cope with emotions; it also shows them they can trust you. In times of conflict with your child, be honest with them about how you are really feeling. When we refrain from sharing with our child, we leave them to make assumptions, which can make the conflict worse.
Practicing humility is another great skill to improve. When we are able to be humble and apologize for our mistakes with our children, that speaks volumes to them. This is something we expect our children to do, so when they see us as adults also taking ownership of our mistakes and apologizing to them, it makes them feel heard and respected. When apologizing to your child, try to refrain from saying, “I’m sorry, but…” This sends the message that we are more worried about justifying our actions than we are about apologizing for the hurt we caused.
Remember to be consistent. We don’t want to just use these tools like a bag of tricks we pull out when we mess up. It’s important to practice these skills in our everyday interactions with our children. Then, when we inevitably do something wrong, we are more easily able to repair the relationship due to the solid foundation that has already been laid out. Of course, we know that sometimes our children make mistakes that hurt us as well. When this happens, be honest with them. Being honest in this way gives your child the opportunity to learn, grow, and apologize to you as well. If your child is apologizing, try your best not to lay on the guilt and accept their apology.
All in all, we know relationships can be messy, but because we care deeply about these relationships, it is important to learn tools to help us grow as parents and in turn, help our children grow. If we can humble ourselves, engage in honest communication, and be consistent with the skills we learn, I truly believe we can repair damaged relationships with our children. No child wants conflict with their parent, so as adults, we must step up and do our best to make repairs where we have made mistakes.
Emily Bernhardt, MSW, LCSW, is a Youth First Mental Health Professional at Signature School in Vanderburgh County. Youth First, Inc., is a nonprofit dedicated to strengthening youth and families. Youth First provides over 100 highly trained mental health professionals (primarily master’s level social workers), prevention programs, parent engagement coordinators, and bilingual support personnel to 126 schools across 14 Indiana counties. Over 53,000 youth and families per year are served by Youth First’s school-based social work and community programs that promote mental health, prevent substance misuse, and maximize student success. To learn more about Youth First, visit youthfirstinc.org or call 812-421-8336.
