INDIANA – Unfortunately, grief is a normal part of life. We all experience grief, whether it is the loss of a job, a divorce or breakup, or the death of a loved one.
Most of the time, grief feels anything but normal and is far from comfortable; quite frankly, it is incredibly overwhelming. These uncomfortable feelings may lead us to suppress the feelings of grief that we need to welcome in to start the grieving process.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross developed the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. What can be misleading about the five stages of grief is that we do not necessarily go through these stages in order. In fact, our grief tends to bounce around the stages. One day we might be in denial, and the next we might be at acceptance and then step back to anger. This is normal.
Grief is not a linear process. It is not something where we work through the steps and then magically feel better. Sure, the heaviness of grief eases up over time, depending on what we have lost, but there will still be days when we feel it very intensely, especially when it comes to grieving a loved one.
Grief can make us feel multiple things, and pretty commonly, those feelings can be felt physically throughout the body. The National Institute of Health has recognized that some of these physical symptoms include tightness or heaviness in the chest or throat, nausea or upset stomach, headaches, weakness, tension, fatigue, difficulty sleeping, loss of interest in activities, increased irritability and hostility, difficulty concentrating, restlessness, unexplained anger, and guilt. Usually, physical symptoms occur most intensely at the beginning of the loss, but these feelings can creep back unexpectedly at any time.
Our grief can be triggered by multiple things, some of which include important dates such as birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, a certain smell, show, song, or article of clothing that reminds you of the person or a place that holds many memories. We are not always aware of our grief triggers, and that may make it hard for us to recognize why we are feeling a certain way. This can be especially hard for children to identify and explain.
As the holiday season approaches, you and/or your children may find yourselves feeling extra weighed down by grief. Please know that you are not alone. I encourage you to embrace grief in any healthy way you can. Please talk about your grief with your children to open up the space for them to share their feelings.
Acknowledge and validate their feelings of grief, as well as your own. Share fond memories of the loved one who is no longer with you. Look through the photos. Carry on your traditions with your loved ones, but do not be afraid to start new ones.
In the words of Donna Ashworth, “You don’t move on after loss, but you must move with. You must shake hands with grief, welcome her in, for she lives with you now. Pull her a chair at the table and offer her comfort. She is not the monster you first thought her to be. She is love. And she will walk with you now, stay with you now, peacefully. If you let her, and when your anger is high, remember why she came, remember who she represents. Remember, grief came to you, my friend, because love came first. Love came first.”
Breanna Dudley-Wissel, MSW, LSW, is a Youth First Mental Health Professional at Princeton Community Intermediate School in Gibson County. Youth First, Inc., is a nonprofit dedicated to strengthening youth and families. Youth First provides over 100 highly trained mental health professionals (primarily master’s level social workers), prevention programs, parent engagement coordinators, and bilingual support personnel to 126 schools across 14 Indiana counties. Over 53,000 youth and families per year are served by Youth First’s school-based social work and community programs that promote mental health, prevent substance misuse, and maximize student success. To learn more about Youth First, visit youthfirstinc.org or call 812-421-8336.
