INDIANA – When working with teens and discussing emotions, I often give an analogy of sand in a jar. In this analogy, the sand is our emotions. We can put the sand in the jar and stuff it down, but eventually the jar will overflow. Likewise, we can suppress emotions without feeling them, but eventually our emotions will surface (whether we want them to or not), and sometimes this will be in ways that are detrimental to the teen and their relationships.
Expressing and feeling our emotions is a vital skill that helps demonstrate resilience. One way we can support teens in expressing their feelings is by modeling and having conversations about emotions.
But first, why is expressing emotions something we should be doing?
It might seem more straightforward not to express our emotions, especially around kids and teens. Adults often try to hide their feelings or bottle them up to appear stronger around their children. While this might seem like a good idea, bottling up our emotions can lead to explosions or not being able to access our emotions (both positive and negative). Thus, when we hide our emotions from our teens, we are actually doing them a disservice. Children and teens learn from the adults around them, and they learn how to regulate and manage their emotions from the adults they trust. If adults are modeling emotional regulation, teens will see that they, too, can feel and regulate their emotions.
So, how do we express our emotions in healthy ways?
There are some things we can do to model healthy expressions of emotion and show teens that it is ok to do the same.
- Validate and attend to their emotions calmly and consistently. When they experience big emotions, approach them with a patient and calm demeanor. Teens are very good at reading adults’ body language, so the best thing we can do is approach the situation from a place of calm.
- Learn to talk about your emotions and your teen’s emotions. One way we learn to express and regulate our emotions is by naming and discussing them. This could be as simple as a “I feel ______ when this happens” or “It sounds like you are feeling ________” for both positive and negative emotions.
- Model emotional expression. Just as we ask teens to discuss their emotions and how they are feeling, adults should model this same behavior. Thus, when an adult is feeling upset or happy or overwhelmed or joyful, they can and should talk about this and use the same feeling words they want the teens in their lives to use
- Model regulation and co-regulation. Everyone has a different “toolbox” of emotional regulation tools. Model these tools for your teens. When you feel overwhelmed, acknowledge your feelings and practice coping skills. Maybe this involves taking a few deep breaths before speaking, exercising, or journaling at the end of the day.
- Address the situation that is causing a negative emotion. If there is a trigger bringing something up for you, work to resolve this and address any differences.
- Practice healthy relaxation. One of the ways we manage emotions is by calming our nervous system and practicing effective relaxation techniques. Not only does this model promote healthy relaxation for the teens in our lives, but it also makes us more equipped to help them handle their emotions.
Feeling our emotions and showing them to the teens in our lives can be scary. Being emotional is vulnerable, and many are taught that we should never show our emotions. However, our emotions are crucial and necessary for happy and healthy relationships. And, like most things, it is a muscle that we can work on and practice, and so can your teen.
Hannah Gill, MSW, LSW, is a Youth First Mental Health Professional at Martinsville High School in Morgan County. Youth First, Inc., is a nonprofit dedicated to strengthening youth and families. Youth First provides over 100 highly trained mental health professionals (primarily master’s level social workers), prevention programs, parent engagement coordinators, and bilingual support personnel to 130 schools across 14 Indiana counties. Over 55,000 youth and families each year are served by Youth First’s school-based social work and community programs that promote mental health, prevent substance misuse, and maximize student success. To learn more about Youth First, visit youthfirstinc.org or call 812-421-8336.
