INDIANA – It can be so difficult to understand why teenagers – or children of any age – lie to us. Sometimes the lies feel especially frustrating because they seem so small or unnecessary, leaving us wondering why they couldn’t have been honest in the first place.
Why do children lie – and how should we respond when they do? Most kids experiment with lying at some point, whether to fit in, avoid trouble, or even protect someone else. Because lying is a common part of childhood development, parents need to understand why it happens and how to address it in a calm, effective way.
The most important thing to remember in these moments is to stay calm. Being lied to can naturally trigger anger, making it harder to keep our composure. But maintaining calm helps strengthen future parent–child interactions. When we can talk with our child calmly about why lying is wrong, what the real issue is, and how to respond appropriately, we show them that they can come to us with any problem. We also model that honesty leads to open, steady communication—and that when they tell the truth, we will listen and help them work through challenges.
Lying can create distance and deepen a child’s sense of loneliness. When children realize they don’t have to hide things from us, they often feel a sense of relief, knowing we can work through challenges together. This doesn’t mean discipline isn’t necessary – guidance and boundaries are still essential. While children need calm support, they also rely on consistent discipline to help them grow and learn.
If your child lied about where they were going after school, for example, an appropriate consequence might be requiring them to come straight home the next day. Explain that the privilege was lost because trust was broken and reassure them that trust can be rebuilt. Be specific about what they can do to earn that privilege back so they understand the path forward.
After our children have lied and damaged our trust, how do we move forward? Here are some things you can do:
- Continue to offer them love. They made a mistake, but even adults make mistakes every day.
- Continue to model open and honest communication for your child. This is how they learn!
- Lastly, as your child works to rebuild trust, show them that their efforts matter by gradually giving them more space. When teens feel trusted, they’re less likely to hide things and more willing to open up. Ultimately, we want our children to know that even when they make mistakes, we still love them and are eager to forgive. Holding them to high standards is essential, but those expectations should feel achievable—not overwhelming.
Lizzie Raben, MSW, LSW, is a Youth First Mental Health Professional at Fairlawn Elementary School in Vanderburgh County. Youth First, Inc., is a nonprofit dedicated to strengthening youth and families. Youth First provides over 100 highly trained mental health professionals (primarily master’s level social workers), prevention programs, parent engagement coordinators, and bilingual support personnel to 130 schools across 14 Indiana counties. Over 54,000 youth and families each year are served by Youth First’s school-based social work and community programs that promote mental health, prevent substance misuse, and maximize student success. To learn more about Youth First, visit youthfirstinc.org or call 812-421-8336.
