INDIANA – As an adult, can you imagine having to move from one house to another weekly, or even more frequently, while juggling schedules, belongings, and changes in rules and expectations?
I imagine you are thinking how difficult this would be. Yet we expect children to do this without much thought after a parent’s separation or divorce.
As a school social worker, providing emotional support for children experiencing the aftermath of divorce is a common occurrence in my office. When children experience the break-up of their parents’ marriage, not only do they feel a range of emotions, including sadness, shame, anger, relief, uncertainty, anxiety, and fear, but they also often feel “out of sorts” and discombobulated.
Transitions can be difficult for any child, but moving from one home to another on a weekly (or more frequent) basis can feel overwhelming. It is common for a child to accidentally leave an item at the other parent’s home or forget to bring something when going from one house to the other.
After working with many students ranging from ages 3-13 regarding the effects of divorce, I’ve listed some helpful tips to ensure the transition from one home to another runs more smoothly and the child feels supported:
- Have a check-in as a family as soon as the child arrives at your home. Gently review expectations and allow them to express how things went while they were in the other parent’s care. Children do best when they know what to expect and have an opportunity to share what’s on their mind in a judgment-free environment.
- Keep clothing, hygiene products, and other essentials at each parent’s home so the child doesn’t have to pack a bag every time they transition, and can bring only the minimal items needed.
- Ask them what can help make the transitions less stressful for them. Sometimes, it’s small acts from parents that make a significant impact.
- Avoid speaking negatively about the other parent. Your child is a part of them, and they take this as criticism, which can negatively affect their self-esteem.
- Discuss co-parenting strategies with the other parent. Routines and expectations should be similar across home environments. For instance, if this month’s chores at dad’s house are doing the dishes, keep the same schedule in your home. If bedtime is at 8:30 at mom’s house, make that the routine at dad’s house as well.
- Create a structured and predictable environment in both homes.
- If they want to call the other parent or they don’t feel like talking, respect your child’s feelings. It’s not personal. No one wants to feel obligated to call someone every night at a specific time.
- Create visual checklists that children can see before transitioning, so they remember what they need to pack before leaving your home.
- Expect a “transition period” for the first few hours they are back in your home. Be gentle with them, as this is not easy on top of grieving the divorce itself.
- Do not hesitate to seek professional help with coparenting, if needed, or therapy for your child to express themselves in a neutral space to process their emotions.
Divorce is complicated, not only for adults but also for the children who don’t have a choice in the matter. They must suffer the consequences of their parents’ decisions. This is why it is essential to work together to provide stability, security, and routine across households, thereby minimizing the impact divorce has on your child.
Kelly McClarnon, MSW, LCSW, is a Youth First Mental Health Professional at Evansville Christian School in Warrick County. Youth First, Inc., is a nonprofit dedicated to strengthening youth and families. Youth First provides over 100 highly trained mental health professionals (primarily master’s level social workers), prevention programs, parent engagement coordinators, and bilingual support personnel to 126 schools across 14 Indiana counties. Over 53,000 youth and families are served annually by Youth First’s school-based social work and community programs, which promote mental health, prevent substance misuse, and maximize student success. To learn more about Youth First, visit youthfirstinc.org or call 812-421-8336.
